Funeral Resources

How to Talk to Children
About Death

If you are concerned about talking with your children about death, you are not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters. But death is an inevitable fact of life that we must deal with and help our children know that it’s okay to talk about it.

Grieving can feel overwhelming and be difficult to work through for you, but remember to take some time to help the children affected by a death as well. Before age 10, a child’s perception of death is uncertain and incomplete. Children are affected just as adults are by the loss of someone close, however, they are not equipped with the same experiences and vocabulary to deal with it.

You can help guide a child through their grief by talking with them as honestly as possible about death, so that they understand that the person has passed on and will not return. Without honest discussion, a child may not grasp the permanence of death, or they may feel a sense of responsibility for the loss of a loved one. These practical suggestions can guide you in helping children grieve in a healthy way.

Every child is different, and you have to take into consideration how old, sensitive, and mature the child is, not to mention his or her relationship with the deceased. When it comes to discussing death with children, it is best to talk about it in a way that matches the child’s developmental level.  Don’t give the child more than she or he can handle.

How to Talk to Your Child About Death

Avoid using euphemisms like “passed on” or “sleeping.” Adults tend to use euphemisms to avoid uncomfortable subjects, but children, who think literally, may not pick up on these cues. Though the words are difficult to say, parents should use terms like “die,” “dead,” and “dying.” Explain, to children in age-appropriate language, what happens when someone dies.

If a parent tells a child whose sibling has died that the sibling is sleeping, the child may expect the sibling to wake up. If the parent says the sibling will not wake up, the child may fear going to sleep and not waking up. Do not leave a child’s imagination to fill in the gaps because it could set up the expectation that a loved one may return. In other words, be honest and clear when talking to children about death.

When discussing death with children, it is best to truly listen and ask questions, rather than assume what the child is thinking. Get a sense of what the child believes before you start sharing information. Ask them thought-provoking questions like “What do you think happens when someone dies?”  to get a better sense of your child’s inner world, and their thoughts.

Talk Openly About Feelings & Emotions

Have conversations with the child about the loss talk openly about feelings. Explain to the child that having different or confusing emotions is normal. Make sure they know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or upset and encourage the child to ask questions. 

Encourage Self-Expression

In addition to talking, you can give a child a creative outlet to work out his or her feelings. Encourage younger children to draw pictures or paint and older children to write in a journal, craft a poem, or play a musical instrument.

Allow a Child to Say Goodbye

If the deceased meant something to them, it is a good idea to invite them to share in the experience. Try to find a meaningful way for a child to gain closure. Suggest that he or she draw a picture of a happy memory, make a craft, bring a meaningful object, or pick out some flowers to share at a remembrance event. Ask the child if he or she would like to contribute to planning a commemorative ritual, such as planting a memorial tree or reading a poem in memory of the person who has died.