Funeral Resources

What to Say to
Someone in Grief

While there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to help someone grieve, some things may be better to say than others. Be authentic in your expressions of empathy and compassion. Remember it is not so much what you say, but how you say it.

The Right Words

With a little thought, you can find exactly what you want to say to comfort a grieving friend or family member. If you’re unsure about what to say to someone grieving, here are a few good fallbacks;

“My condolences”
“I’m so sorry for your loss”
“I wish I had the right words, just know I care”
“You and your loved one will be in my thoughts and prayers”
“I’ll call you in a few days to see how you’re doing”
“We all need help at times like this, I am here for you”
“I hope you find some peace today”
“Do you want to tell me about your loved one?”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“I’m here for you if you need anything”
“Be kind to yourself”

What Not to Say

While it’s simple to find a few words to comfort someone who is grieving, it’s even easier to say the wrong thing without even realizing it. In general, it’s best to avoid the following;

“Time heals all wounds”
“I know how you feel”
“He/She is no longer suffering”
“You are so much stronger than I would be”
“Everyone goes through this”
“You will find love again”
“You’re young enough to have more children”
“Maybe it was for the best”
“They are in a better place now”
“I know just how you feel–When my mother/friend/cousin died last year…”
“You’ll get over it in time”
“It’s time to move on”
“You don’t have to be sad; he/she is with God now”

Putting Condolences in Writing

If you are signing a sympathy card or are writing a note, remember to keep it short and simple. Include a sincere statement and a few short sentences that express how much you care. You can also include a prayer card, funeral money or a donation to their favourite charity.

Acknowledge Loss in a Caring Way

It’s not always easy comforting someone whose friend or family member has died, but it is important to acknowledge the loss as soon as possible. If you aren’t able to send a sympathy card, a quick phone call is also acceptable. Although fumbling for something to say is better than ignoring the topic, sometimes your presence is all that matters.

Acknowledge the loss and show your support in other ways. You could offer to bring dinner over one night, do grocery shopping, help with child care, or other errands.

Finally, remember that everyone feels awkward during these situations; the most important thing you can do, is to express your sympathy and give the bereaved a chance to talk or ask for help if they need to. And because death has a “ripple effect” on the people around the deceased, be sure to take care of yourself too.

← How to Talk to Children About Death